For the past, well God knows how long, I've been having night terrors about my hospitalization in Dominion Hospital. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with having Post Dramatic Stress Disorder from the experience, but to me...I feel like I don't deserve to have that. PDSD is what soldiers get, heroes from far away, who have done unbelievable acts in the name of freedom and peace. Not some no body from NOVA with an eating disorder. Writing about the experience in my college English class relieved some of the stress, but my professor recommended blogging it so i guess here goes nothing.

As I look around, I can see my worse fears coming true: endless amounts of meat, bottomless salad bars, and never ending pasta. I sit at the table, shaking as though I am in epileptic shock, "this can't be happening," I tell myself. Erin, my dietitian creeps up behind me with my covered try of food. The tray was disgusting, pale tan plastic with two small indentations on each side for utensils (although I was never given a plastic knife),  a circle in the center that seemed to spread out to Neverland (which held the entree), and a large plate cover; who's leathery texture and putrid plastic smell still makes me gag even today. "Dig in," my personal Grim Reaper says, I lift the cover to reveal the most horrid of all things. The bitch doubled my protein and fats without telling me! Two veggie burger patties, and two slices of american cheese on a bun, with a dinner roll on the side with heart friendly butter, a tiny salad was slyly hidden in the corner consisting of a strand of lettuce and a slice of cucumber. 

I clinch at the sight of the huge meal in front of me, Erin and the other ED patients are all sitting around me eating. they're eating without a care in the world. I feel so damn alone, my heart screams inside my chest to plunge the dull plastic fork into my bony chest in an effort to end the suffering, the humiliation. I...just...can't...do...it...damn. They all stare down upon me, like ravens in a cemetery glaring down upon a poorly dug corpse. Their eyes, oh God their eyes burn my skin, rip my heart to shreds, send me into a huge downward spiral. Breaking down releasing all of my bodily fluids through my eyes, I drown the cafeteria with my tears. "What have I become....what have I become?" 

Last March, I disappeared from my school for a month. Placed in a hell, inwhich i will never forget. Don't get me wrong, i wanted the help: the nagging voice in my head telling me all of my flaws, was driving to thoughts of suicide (even a failed attempt). But now as i look back; what has really changed? Yes i'm eating, but let's face it not the stuff i use to before the eating disorder. I still maintain a strict, but somewhat loose, exercise schedule. I'm a teenaged boy for God's sake; I don't want to be doing hour long runs everyday, then trying to make up for the run by eating alot at dinner. I feel the voice, once dead, resorecting in my soul. I'm trying to take it down once more, but it was just so hard the first time; i don't think i can do it again. I love my friends and family, and i know, er i think, they love me too. i know i can't live without them, but a father who's diabetic thus showing me the negative side of gaining weight. A mother becoming obsessed with weight herself, using diet pills and counting calories (everything i'm trying not to do). It all just seems too much. I don't want to go back, infact i know for a fact that i would not go back to where i went, because i was told that if i were to relapse i would be sent to a residental fasicilty, and not come out untill i'm 21! well, no presure for recovery. but it just seems that no one understands the pain that ED sufferers go through, the daily battles, victories and losses. I can't understand why my parents seem like they are against me, always finding ways to remind me of my old ED ways. I just don't know what to do. i know i'm not alone, with this feeling that it is a common feeling among sufferers. but...but why does it have to be so hard. looking back it seemed easy to fall into the dangerous rutt, why cant it be that easy to climb out of it?